Dropping the dating life. Musings on singleness and acceptance.

It happened again. Another friend of mine went through a major break-up and has found love again while I'm still... alone. As I fight feelings of inadequacy with self-talk like "You are amazing," "You don't need a partner to be happy," and "It's just not your time," my heart can't help but shed a sad little tear.  I think the longer I am single, the harder it is for me to find the partnership that I desire.

I've now been single most of my adult life. I remember being 24 years old and a teenager asking me, basically, "What's wrong with you?" because I was so pretty and still single- her words. While it was a teaching opportunity to speak to there being much more to relationships th
an outside appearance, it still stung a little. Was there something wrong with me?

And now here I am, older than 24, and asking the same question. Now I don't really believe it, of course. There are tons of factors that go into making a good match when it comes to relationships even aside from romantic feelings. The older we get, the more complicated it is. There is nothing "wrong" with me. My life journey is unique just as yours is unique.

I've done the online-dating-life. I've put myself out there. I've gone on many first dates and some seconds and thirds. It's exhausting. I'm tired of online dating-sending out "likes" and "interests" and getting very little response. I'm tired of being pursued by men that are 10-20 years older than me of which I have no interest.

So...I've gone into protection mode.  A couple months ago, I started wearing a "wedding" ring, thinking I can just avoid it all. It's not the first time. I wore one years ago when I sold insurance to seniors and was asked at each appointment why a sweet beautiful woman like me wasn't married. I could be afraid of men-or myself.  I'm afraid that men that I'm not attracted to will ask me out and I will have to tell them no- it's always awkward especially if I work with them or see them on a regular basis. If I present that I'm married, this could prevent that. The only problem is that presenting being a married woman seriously shuts down potential attracted-to suitors! But at least I won't have failed attempts for finding connections if I just resign that I'm not trying?

I know, it doesn't work. In the end, I'm still alone. But at least it's my choice. Oh, maybe I have control issues! lol It never ends...

I choose life: Where pro-choice and pro-life meet.

It's 60 degrees in Michigan in February so I went for a walk. On my neighborhood stroll, I saw a yard sign promoting the pro-life platform's agenda to end legal abortions in the U.S. and my heart sank. Why can't it just say, "I choose life"? Why does this issue have to be so polarizing? Even in my pro-choice circles, I don't know anyone who is "pro-death," or "pro-kill-all-the-babies." Because I'm a reasonable, thoughtful and compassionate person, I seriously question whether overturning Roe vs Wade is the best way to protect life or not. Can the pro-life platform entertain the possibility that through a combination of broad efforts and support services women might not see getting an abortion as a choice at all? Instead, that it would not even make sense for a woman to have an abortion because there would be little to no impact on the nine months of gestation affecting income or performance at work; there would be assurances that they could provide financially for the child; there might even be an adoptive parent ready and waiting to welcome the child into their home-and it wouldn't just be parents that have turned to adoption as a last resort for having children; and there would be NO SHAME in doing this.

Dream with me for a moment.

What if religious organizations that teach premarital sex as sin and punishable by shame and ridicule by the entire community to the point that congregates turn to abortion in order to hide this atrocious act of love and natural instinct of our human bodies- what if they instead included abstinence as one form of responsible sex but not the only method? I wonder how many teenage pregnancies would be prevented, thus abortions averted if our youth were not faced with hormonal make-out sessions in which physical body wins over pious teachings and... oops.  The Church allows concessions for other "sins" why not this one? ie. Donuts are bad (gluttony), but if you are going to eat one, eat one with the least amount of calories and sugar/fat content and be sure to do some jumping jacks.

I believe there are two main decision factors when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Don't forget, unplanned pregnancies happen within marriages as well.

The first is the social judgement factor: How will this change in my life be received by those around me? Will they be happy for me? Will they make assumptions that I am thrilled with this life-changing inevitable event in my life? Will they say awkward references to my fertility? Will they make jokes about whether or not I know how to prevent pregnancy? Will they talk behind my back about how foolish it is for me to have another child when I can't "support" the others that I already have? And the biggest realization- OMG THEY WILL KNOW THAT I HAD SEX!!!! Which in the U.S. is an assumption if married- though I know I didn't get much when I was married myself- and if not, a big dirty rotten secret that is supposed to be hiding from the world.

The second is a resource factor: How will this change affect my ability to care for not only that which I am now responsible for but also the new life? What is my current physical health situation? How will this pregnancy impact it? Are there other lives that rely on me that this change might severely compromise their health and safety? Do I have enough money to feed, clothe, shelter another life? Do I have a plan for increasing my income and/or does this change dramatically affect it? What support system do I have in place to get me through the formative years?

Making abortion illegal discriminates and incriminates our poor. I love this quote by Thomas More from his book Utopia, “For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”  Poor people have sex too.  We can't persecute the poor for having sex. But we can offer free reproductive health prevention services such as birth control, condoms, vasectomies, tubal legations in order to prevent abortions. The rich when faced with an unwanted pregnancy will have the means to travel to another country to have an abortion, or they will have the money to pay for an underground abortion. The poor will get poorer and weaker, or they will face botched abortions and possible death. Is this our America?

Making abortion illegal basically allows government to lose control of the birth rate.  I wonder what America would look like with 58 million more people.  I wonder if and when our economy could not sustain itself, would the government then put a cap on births per household? Or perhaps people would then become trade commodities with other nations. ie. We'll send you 10,000 U.S. citizens for $X in oil. Crazy thoughts.

Sometimes choosing life means it beats you up a bit. Sometimes life has already beaten us up to the point that we can't choose life without the help of others. I chose life when I had my 3 children. Life chose for me when I miscarried. It's a life and death decision each time and I have no judgement upon someone either way. I wish the yard sign would say something more like, "Pray for open pocketbooks, homes, and hearts to support our women who choose life."  For a life without safety, security, and love is no life at all. Let's get rid of the terms pro-life and pro-choice. I choose life. Will you join me?

When Being Normal Hurts

"Everybody's special, Dash." (Mother)

"Which is another way of saying no one is." (Son)

These movie lines from Pixar's The Incredibles (2004) hit me hard this afternoon. Ten-year-old Dash begs his mother, Helen, for permission to use his incredible speed in school sports. He desperately wants to prove to the world that he is good at something-not just good, but excellent and in this case, incredible.

Middle school musical tryout results posted and I'm trying to console my daughter with the same words. "Everyone's special." "It doesn't matter which part you get, you are still wonderful." "The directors just haven't seen your full talent yet." But she gets it-just like Dash.

Through sobs and snot she cries...

All I've ever wanted is to NOT be in the "ensemble." Remember in the church Christmas program, year after year when I wanted to be Mary, the mother of Jesus? I mean, my name is even Mary, you would think I would get to do it at least one year. But no, I was part of the "ensemble."-I didn't even get to be a shepherd. Or the school play when I was in the "chorus." Or in our class read-aloud when I was part of the "crowd."

And my heart breaks. I've been there. We've all been there. Every now and then, the world reminds us, we are just normal. But we are not just normal, which is why it hurts so much.

I guess I'm not like you.

How do I pour out my heart without breaking yours?
How do I tell you I feel betrayed without offending you?
Will you even hear me? Is it worth me telling? Will any good come of it?

Many of you know I have taken the results of the election pretty hard. I'm a passionate person. I feel deeply as I know many of you do. I want you to know that I love you. I also want you to know that I don't feel safe with you anymore and the reasons why.

I've been wearing a scarf over my head since the weekend after the election. When hate speech and racial attacks bubble up from the hearts of some of the voters claiming victory, I grieve. When protesters vandalize because their own anger overflows, I grieve. When the response I hear over and over to my own pleas to hear my grief is itself full of the boastful pride of winning, I grieve.

As my headscarf symbolizes mourning, it also doubles as my personal visible sign to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the visible Church of our Lord Jesus, whom I deeply love; I don't want to be associated with your overwhelming voice in the election.

I never felt like I had to choose between the "lesser of two evils." I don't understand why you did. Perhaps you cared more about winning than I did. I didn't think the Christian life was about winning. I thought is was about being kind and merciful to others. I thought it was about caring for the poor and defending the weak. I thought it was about goodness, not greatness.

Maybe you cared more about saving the babies than I did. Maybe you think the Christian way to save babies is to make a law and force life. I thought the Christian way was welcoming life with joy and providing a safe and loving environment for life to be received. I thought saving babies is done by having deep love relationships with each other-so that when unwelcomed pregnancies happen, the mother and child would be supported emotionally and physically by each other-so that the growing child would not feel the stress of the mother, the judgment, the shame. I thought the Christian way was loving people, not lording over them.

I guess I'm not like you.

I heard you. You didn't care that he cares about winning more than being good. You watched him publicly just as I did. I don't have to remind you. You have wielded your most powerful act as an American and declared: character isn't the deciding factor. You have spoken. You chose winning over decency.

I thought you cared about me.
I thought you would defend me.
I thought you would say, "You are more valuable than rubies."
I thought you would say, "No one should ever be treated like that."

I thought my life mattered.

Perhaps I'm too sensitive.
Perhaps I'm overreacting.
Perhaps I have unresolved childhood issues.
Perhaps the scars of abuse in my own life cloud my perception.

But one thing I know. I love you, but...
I'm not like you.

Galatians: A Parable of Blue Hair, by Helen Fradette

When our church studied Galatians several years ago, I had an image stick in my head that helped me understand the overall message of the book and I'd like to share it with others.

Imagine that our good work as Christians on earth is an amusement park. "Woohoo, I'm riding the tilt-a-whirl (insert Christian good work here)." Or, "I just paid for Johnny to ride the Ferris wheel  (insert mission trip to this country or charity here)." Not that we are boasting about it, but that we are being what we would call obedient and following the rules of the amusement park. After all, isn't that what they are for? Ride the rides, eat the food and enjoy the time.

But the catch to this amusement park is that the only people that can enter the park are those that have blue hair.  Obviously we are not born with blue hair, so something has to be done in order for us enter the park.

Those of us that are called by God into His kingdom through a saving faith in Jesus Christ our Lord, upon acceptance of this gift will automatically have our hair turn blue, thus gaining entrance. But not only does our hair turn blue--from that point on our heads will continue to grow blue hair.

Those that don't understand the gospel of Jesus Christ but know that they should be good, want to do good works and/or be a good person end up going to the Blue-Hair-Dying Shop where they dye their hair in order to gain entrance. They still can enjoy the benefits of the park while on Earth, but they are fakers, and it is often hard for us amusement park enthusiasts to tell the difference between the two.

Some people don't care about amusement parks and have no interest in having Blue Hair.

And some of us that have the imputed Blue-Hair follicles still go to the Blue-Hair-Dying Shop to dye our hair blue-when it is already Blue. Just stop that, ok? We already have Blue Hair!

And that's my summary of Galatians.

God and a treasure map

My pastor gave a sermon this past Sunday entitled, "Curios Case of Love." One of his sermon points was "God is love," from 1John 4:8 which says, "The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love." He went on to say that we can't base our entire view of the character of God by only one of his attributes, such as love; this would not be an accurate frame of reference in which to base our understanding of God.

For the Bible also says that God is spirit: John 4:24 "God is spirit and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
God is light:  1John 1:5 "This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all."
God is a consuming fire: Deuteronomy 4:24 "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."

My pastor likened these other "God is" statements as lenses, such as when getting an eye exam, through which we must also view God and it made me think of the movie National Treasure. I thought of the scene where the treasure hunters find Benjamin Franklins glasses that have different colored lenses. The lenses had a swivel so you could move them up or down, thus forming the key/ color through which to view the invisible treasure map.

So if we take the lens of Love, Spirit, Light and Fire and put the each of them on a different "colored lens"- and try to look through this new multi-lens frame in order to gain understanding into the character of God- I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around what I would see. God certainly reveals who He is to us in different ways. And sometimes it's easy to understand Him. Often for me, it isn't. I wonder if it is because only when I view him through all of the lenses will the mysteries of His treasure reveal themselves to me. And I wonder if my treasure map looks different from yours. But what I do know is that it could be dangerous to use only one lens. And that without any at all, our treasure map isn't revealed at all and our journey is in vain.

Welcome Home

I started this blog 5 years ago. I wrote two entries. I had high hopes. Then life happens. Funny thing about life, it keeps happening...

I moved last weekend into a beautiful..no scratch that.. quaint little farmhouse about a 30 minute drive from all of my normal daily activities. I moved because the rent on the two bedroom townhouse that I was renting would have exceeded $1000.00/month if I had decided to stay upon notice. So the next day, I searched on the web again and boom/bang we are now in a new place.

This new place- there is nothing new about it. In fact, I think it might be held together with duct tape. The night before the big move, I gained access to the cute little farmhouse and drove out to inspect what would become the place we call home. The first thing I noticed was that the deadbolt locks on the doors are extremely hard to use-- because the door/wood is so old, and the lock is so new? Perhaps the wood has warped so much since the locks were installed that they rub too much. I don't know, but at any rate, the handle on the door--that is what one would call a doorknob, is in fact just that- a knob on a door. It serves no other purpose than to be pulled- not turned- very hard in order to open the doors. In my mind, I have determined to make this feature an additional safety feature of the home. At least when the door is locked, no one is getting in and sometimes or out for that matter. I now know why the landlord said, "The house is unlocked, keys in the kitchen cupboard."

I glazed over the cobwebs and cracks in the walls as that is to be expected. I was a little surprised to find two dead mice in the basement, but glad they were dead. I did not expect to find the shower head held together with duct tape. Since we have moved in, I now see that our kitchen table doesn't really fit in the kitchen, as we can't open the refrigerator door. I have realize again that it sure is hard to ascertain the condition of a home with a 10 minute walk through, while the previous tenant's belongings still in the home and I continue to wondered how we are going to unpack our own stuff in this little place.

Well, I hope to share more of our adventures with you. Hopefully sooner than 5 years.
Blessings.